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More Stereotyping, More Bird Jokes

 

The Pre-Yuppie

Status: Common

General Description
Like its more mature cousin, the Yuppie, the Pre-Yuppie is found abundantly throughout the popular rock climbing areas of the Western United States and has recently be sighted in some numbers at the Index Town Walls. They are invariably found in couples, or groups of couples, but are otherwise less insular than the Yuppie, and therefore despite their proclivity for cliffside flailing, are less of a threat to climbing community cohesion.

Disginishing Characteristics
The Pre-Yuppie is becoming somewhat ubiquitous but those hoping for a sighting should look for a certain clumsiness with trad gear, poor rope management, and a generally awkward, “first date” atmosphere. Pre-Yuppies are also invariably gym-trained, so single-fisherman knots backing up figure-eights, brand new helmets and grigri belay devices, and abundant chalk are all good indicators.

Tips For Interaction
The best way to obtain a favorable reaction from this species is imitation. Approach in a plausible mated pair and chat amiably with the appropriately gendered climber. The Pre-Yuppie is usually quite enthusiastic to engage in conversation as long as it judges the interlocutor to be nonthreatening and will, in fact, relish the break from what had theretofore been a rather uncomfortable dynamic.

Preferred Habitat
Single pitch sport climbs, or routes masquerading as such. Cunning Stunt, Model Worker, etc.

 

The Northwestern Collegiate Flock

Status: Invasive

General Description
Similar in many ways to the Pre-Yuppie, this species is differentiated by its proclivity for traveling in large groups, usually containing only one or two actually competent climbers. One of which may or may not be a raging bitch. More comfortable in their native habitats of Leavenworth and Vantage, the Northwestern Collegiate Flock will look for “out of the way” nooks and crannies in which to hide their absurd numbers.

Disginishing Characteristics
The best way to identify the Northwestern Collegiate Flock is by climber-to-top-rope ratio. If said ratio exceeds five (5) the likelihood that you are observing a Northwestern Collegiate Flock is high.

Tips For Interaction
Don’t. Insinuating that you also attend college will buy some cordiality, as will using terms like “marginalized knowledges” and “obtaining consent.”

Preferred Habitat
Top-ropable, gang-bangable, moderates. Private Idaho, Inner Walls, etc.

 

The Blue Collared Pipe Driller

Status: Threatened

General Description
Once the average Index denizen, this species has declined in recent years, driven out by competitors like the Yuppie and the Bro. Still present though, in some numbers, the Blue Collared Pipe Driller favors the early mornings and late evenings, retiring to more obscure crags during the heat of the day. Rather injury-prone due to the active nature of their employment, the Blue Collared Pipe Driller can rarely be seen climbing at full strength and instead prefers to sit around reminiscing about that one time they got Numbah Ten clean on top-rope.

Disginishing Characteristics
Like the Digger, this species is identifiable largely by its paraphernalia, which is, in fact, quite similar to that of the Digger. Look for impact drivers, well-used wire brushes, and leaf blowers. Persistently top-roping on core-shot ropes is another common sighting with the Blue Collared Pipe Driller.

Tips For Interaction
The Blue Collared Pipe Driller is a highly ritualistic species and joining in these rituals is the best way to gain their acceptance, which they are generally eager to give in any case assuming one acts suitably enthusiastic. The sharing of certain recently legalized smokable herbs is their most common ritual.

Preferred Habitat
Rattetale Wall, Mid Wall, Cheeks

 

The Pacific Smallbreasted Stoner

Status: Locally Common

General Description
It is uncertain whether this species should be classified as a “climber,” but since it is found in the same environment as many of the species listed here, and seems to be regarded among them as a climber, it will be here described. The Pacific Smallbreasted Stoner is a stout, somewhat portly species that, although possessing all the equipment and skills necessary for climbing moderate classics, is virtually never sighted anywhere near a known route.

Disginishing Characteristics
Differentiating this species from those around it can be difficult, the best way is to wait until a pipe is passed around the grouping and then observe to whom it returns. Logging this information over time will allow the patient observer to calculate the statistical probability of a given “climber” being a Pacific Smallbreasted Stoner.

Tips For Interaction
As this species has no discernible ego, very few of the typical people-watching concerns arise. Approach at your leisure.

Preferred Habitat
The wagonwheel

 

The Per (Psychedis Drunki)

Status: Critically Endangered

General Description
Lanky, bespectacled, rather excitable, and often intoxicated; only a single individual of this species is known to exist in the wild.

Disginishing Characteristics
The Per is easily identifiable by his loud, at times brash, often impaired, and never uninteresting, outbursts.

Tips For Interaction
Approach with caution, as the Per is a known moocher and will take any unattended food or drink as an offering from “Index,” which, as he is known to frequently insist, “Provides.”

Preferred Habitat
The Quarry Wall, The Diamond

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